A while ago, I posted some science jokes in my blog. I followed that by posting some terrible science jokes and puns, and then more terrible science jokes and puns. Today I present to you even more terrible science jokes and puns, along with (when necessary) an explanation of why they are funny.
The chemistry student e-mails his professor claiming that he has been able to react lithium with argon. The professor replies to the e-mail by writing, “You are a LiAr”.
Argon is an element that doesn’t react with any other element. The chemical symbols for lithium and argon are, “Li” and “Ar”, respectively. If lithium did react with argon the formula of the resulting compound would be “LiAr”. The play of words is with liar as in a person who utters falsehoods.
Q: What was the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms
The Ohm is a unit of electrical resistance named after the German physicist George Ohm. The play on words is with Holmes, the surname of the famous detective character created by the British writer Arthur Conan Doyle.
The wife of the logician says, “Can you please go to the grocery store and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six.” The logician leaves and returns with six cartoons of milk. Puzzled, the wife inquires, “Why did you buy six cartoons of milk?” The logician replies, “They had eggs.”
As Sherlock Holmes would say, “Elementary.”
I blew up my lab doing a chemistry experiment. Oxidants happen.
A play on words on “accidents” and “oxidants”, which are chemicals that can react very strongly and can be hazardous if not handled safely.
The scientists Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and counts while Pascal hides, but Newton stands behind Einstein and draws around himself a one meter by one meter square box in the ground. Einstein finishes counting, turns around, and opens his eyes. Upon seeing Newton in front of him he says, “I’ve found you Newton, now you’re it”. Newton says, no you haven’t found me, you’ve found Pascal.
A Newton is a unit of force named after the English scientist Isaac Newton. A Pascal is a unit of pressure named after the French scientist Blaise Pascal. A Pascal is a force of one Newton applied to a surface of one square meter. The joke is that because Newton was standing on a square meter, he was really a Pascal (a Newton applied to a square meter), so Einstein had found Pascal, not Newton.
Q: What kind of bear dissolves in water?
A: A polar bear!
Compounds that have positive and negative charges are said to be polar. These compounds can easily dissolve in water by interacting with the water molecules. The play on words is with the type of bear (a polar bear).
Heliocentric System: the Earth and the planets revolve around the sun.
Geocentric System: the sun and the planets revolve around the Earth.
Egocentric System: everything revolves around you.
I’ve met a few people during my lifetime who believed in this last system.
The chemist says, “Alcohol is not a problem. It's a solution.”
As in a liquid.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...
And if you can’t figure this one out, you belong to the other kind.
Q: Who led the people of Israel across a semi-permeable membrane?
The process by which molecules of a solvent cross a semipermeable membrane from a less concentrated solution to a more concentrated solution is called osmosis. This is a play on words on the Moses of the Bible.
Q: What is BUNNY-O-BUNNY
A: Ether Bunny
An ether is a chemical entity where two identical molecules (R) are joined through a bond with an oxygen (O) in a manner described as “R-O-R”. In the above case the “R” molecule is “bunny”, and the resulting ether (ether bunny) is a play on words on Easter Bunny.
The professor said wryly to his students, “Remember, a couple of months spent in the laboratory can save you a couple of hours in the library.”
The normal advice goes in the opposite direction.
Q: What did the stamen say to the pistil?
A: “I like your style."
The stamen is the male organ of a flower, and the pistil the female organ. The style is part of the pistil. The play on words is with “style” as in elegance or refinement.
Sodium sodium, sodium sodium, sodium sodium, sodium sodium, sodium sodium, sodium sodium, sodium, BATMAN!
In the original Batman series from the 1960s staring Adam West as Batman, the lyrics of the show’s theme song featured a section (which can be heard 35 seconds into this video) that went: Na Na, Na Na, Na Na, Na Na, Na Na, Na Na, Na, Batman! The joke is that “Na” is the chemical symbol for sodium.
To impress a lady, the nerd says to her, “You must be made of uranium and iodine because all I can see is U and I.” The lady replies, “Wow you must be a germanium-nickel-uranium-sulfur, eh?”. They nerd says, “Well, yes, thank you.” The lady then adds, “You also obviously don’t understand sulfur-argon-calcium-samarium.”
The chemical symbol for the element uranium is “U” and the one for the element iodine is “I”. The chemical symbols for germanium-nickel-uranium-sulfur spell “Ge-Ni-U-S”, but the chemical symbols for sulfur-argon-calcium-samarium spell “S-Ar-Ca-Sm”.
The mathematician told a joke. He said, “There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator”, but only a fraction of the people got it.
The top number of a fraction is the numerator while the bottom number is the denominator, and they are separated by a fine line (the division symbol).
The geology student said, “Of quartz I love geology, it’s just that I don’t take it for granite.”
Play of words of “of quartz” as in “of course”, and “granite” as in “granted”.
And now for the Grand Finale!
I think the name “Saturn” has a nice ring to it.
I am mindful of gravity because, after all, it’s the law.
I think that supernovas are a blast, but black holes suck.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, and I can’t put it down.
I have a new theory of inertia, but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
I told a story in science class to illustrate the effects of friction, but it was a drag.
I did not invest in the company that wants to build a time machine, because I think it has no future.
To my knowledge these jokes and puns are not copyrighted. If you hold the copyright to any of these jokes or puns, please let me know and I will acknowledge it. Image by Perlenmuschel from Pixabay is free for commercial use and was modified.
With all the anxiety and uncertainty around us, I think it is again time to bring some levity to my blog. A while back I posted some terrible science jokes and puns that people seemed to like, so here I present you with more terrible science jokes and puns along with explanations of why they are funny.
A man got cooled to absolute zero. He's 0K now.
The so called “absolute zero” (the temperature at which molecular motion ceases) is reached at -459.67°F and is measured in units called Kelvins symbolized by a “K”. Absolute zero is reached at zero Kelvins or “0K” (zero degrees Kelvin), which is used as a pun for “OK” as in “all right”.
A scientist started reading a book about Helium, and he just couldn't put it down.
Helium is a gas which is lighter than air, so it rises.
Q: What is a cation afraid of?
A: A dogion!
A cation is an atom that has lost an electron and thus has acquired a positive charge. The joke is a play on words with the animal, “cat”, and its traditional nemesis, the dog.
The nerd says, “My girlfriend is like the square root of -100, a solid 10, but also imaginary.”
An imaginary number is a number that is multiplied by the square root of -1, which is symbolized as “i”. The square root of -100 is 10 multiplied by “i”, in other words, “10i” (ten, but also imaginary).
The elements oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walk into a bar. The bartender sees them and rolling his eyes says, “Oh, snap!”
The chemical symbols for these elements are: oxygen (O), hydrogen (H), sulfur (S), sodium (Na), and phosphorous (P).
The old professor had studied endothermic reactions way before they were cool.
Endothermic reactions are chemical reactions that take up a net amount of heat from the environment. The joke exploits the play on words of “cool” as in low temperature and “cool” as trendy.
The name's Bond, Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared
The joke is a play on words on some James Bond quotes. One is providing his name (The name’s Bond, James Bond), and the other is ordering a martini “shaken, not stirred”. The joke is based on the fact that when two atoms are bound by an ionic bond (as opposed to a covalent bond), they don’t share electrons; rather one atom takes an electron and acquires a negative charge while the atom that loses the electron acquires a positive charge.
There is an argument at the scientists’ bar. Newton threateningly says to Einstein, “I don’t think you understand the gravity of this situation”. Einstein smiling cheekily replies, “Oh, I believe I’m relatively aware of it.” Darwin steps between them and says, Hey, guys, don’t let this evolve into a fight.”
Newton formulated the law of universal gravitation, Einstein the theory of relativity, and Darwin the theory of evolution. Despite the joke, Newton (1642-1726), Einstein (1879-1955), and Darwin (1809-1882) were not contemporaries (Darwin died when Einstein was 3 years old).
If you are a student struggling with calculus, just remember that Isaac Newton also struggled with calculus…when he invented it.
After many years of effort, Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
Einstein’s theory was about both space and time, which were merged into a single entity called “spacetime”. Here the play on words is made with the phrase “it was about time too” as in promptness.
The doctoral student turned in the first draft of his thesis on Darwin’s theory of evolution. His professor said it would be decent with modification.
Darwin defined evolution as “descent with modification”.
A newlywed couple visiting Yellowstone National Park engages in a game to see which of them can get closer to a wild buffalo. The question is: who wins? The answer is: Darwin.
Darwin’s stated mechanism for evolution, natural selection, is a process by which those organisms that are fit, survive and have progeny. The implication of the joke is that if you do something stupid that gets you killed you will not be able to pass your genes to the next generation (you will be selected against).
Despite their popularity, antibiotics will never go viral.
Antibiotics are not useful for viral infections, but the word “viral” is used as in when a meme spreads in social media.
When life gives you mold, make penicillin.
This is a play on word on the phrase, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” It is an allusion to the accidental discovery by Alexander Fleming that certain molds secrete a substance with antibacterial properties. This substance is penicillin, the first antibiotic. In 1945 Fleming was corecipient of the Nobel Prize for the discovery of penicillin.
A chemist and a biologist go hunting, and a statistician tags along with them. They find a deer and the chemist and the biologist shoot it at the same time. The biologist’s shot misses the deer by a foot to the left. The chemist’s shot misses the deer by a foot to the right. The statistician yells, “We got him!”
The average of both shots is, of course, smack in the middle of the deer.
A medical student hit another student in the head with a human bone during anatomy class. It was humerus.
Humerus, the bone vs, humorous, the funny situation.
Are you a carbon sample? I’m asking because I would love to date you.
This is a play on words on dating as in determining the age of something and dating the social interaction.
Gregor Mendel received the Nobel Peas Prize.
Gregor Mendel is considered the father of genetics due to his ground-breaking work in figuring out the laws of inheritance by breeding peas. He died in 1886. The first Nobel Prizes were awarded in 1901. One of the Nobel prizes is the Nobel Peace Prize.
The thymocyte wailed in despair, “Oh my God, I can’t do this alone! Please, is there anyone out there who will assist me?” It was a Helpless T Cell.
Immune cells originating in the bone marrow and reaching maturity in the thymus are called thymocytes or “T cells”. Some T cells differentiate into a type of cell called “Helper T cells” which have important roles in immunity. The one featured in the joke was obviously not up to par.
I told a joke involving the elements, cobalt, radon, and yttrium. People thought it was corny.
The chemical symbols for these elements are: cobalt (Co), radon (Rn), and yttrium (Y).
OK, I'm out of Science jokes, maybe I should Zinc of a new one.
Zinc/think, get it?
Wait don’t go, I’ve got another joke. It’s on the tip of my tungsten.
Tungsten/tongue, get it?
To my knowledge these jokes and puns are not copyrighted. If you hold the copyright to any of these jokes or puns, please let me know and I will acknowledge it. Image by Perlenmuschel from Pixabay is free for commercial use and was modified.
Once again, time to lighten my blog up a bit with some science jokes and puns!
Many science jokes and puns are not only funny but also quite sophisticated, and require a certain amount of knowledge of the scientific field from which they originate in order to be understood. I have provided a sampler of some good ones in a previous post.
However, even in science you have jokes and puns that are really bad, and the fact that some require a technical explanation that is often longer than the joke or pun itself, makes them even worse. So without further ado, here is a sampler of terrible science jokes and puns.
Two chemists are in a restaurant, and they decide to show off their chemical knowledge. The first one says, “I’ll have some H2O”. The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too”. The waiter, who is also versed in chemistry, brings them exactly what they ordered. When the chemists drink, the second one dies.
H2O is of course water, but “H2O too” sounds like “H2O2” which is hydrogen peroxide.
Q: What do you do with chemists who are very sick?
A: If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, you will have to barium.
The elements helium, curium, and barium are used as puns for “heal them”, “cure them”, and “bury them”, respectively.
Q: How do you determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.
Genes here is used as a pun for “jeans”.
A physiology professor teaching a lecture said, “You may think mucus is gross, but it’s not”.
“Snot”, get it?
A mad scientist creates a replica of a full grown human being in a lab. To his horror, as soon as it gains consciousness, his creation starts talking using very vulgar language and making rude gestures. For several days the scientist tries to teach some manners to his potty-mouthed spawn, but is unsuccessful. Finally in a rage, the scientist grabs his creation and hurls it out the window of his lab. The creation falls 20 stories cursing all the way down to its death. The police arrive and arrest the scientist for making an obscene clone fall.
The physics and biology professors started dating, but it didn’t work because there was no chemistry.
Q: You know what really makes my day?
A: The Earth’s rotation.
The physics professor stated, “Time flies like an arrow”. The biology professor replied, “Well, fruit flies like a banana.”
OK, this one’s clever. The first “like” is as in “in the manner of”. The second “like” is as in “enjoy”.
Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In prism.
Prism is used as a pun for “prison”.
A tectonic plate bumped into another and said, “Sorry, my fault”.
The outer crust of the Earth is divided into sections called tectonic plates which move very slowly. Areas where one plate slides past another can give rise to earthquakes and create fractures in the rocks were the plates interact with each other called “faults”.
I took root beer, poured it into a square glass, and I ended up with regular beer!
In mathematics squaring a number (raising it to the power of two), is the opposite function of taking the square root of a number. Squaring and taking the square root cancel each other out. The implication is that the square glass cancelled the “root” in rootbeer.
Dear Algebra. Please stop asking us to find your “X”. She’s never coming back, and don’t ask “Y”.
Students of algebra are often asked to find the value of “X” when provided with a value for “Y”. “X” and “Y” are symbols used to signify variables in equations. Here they are used as puns for “Ex”, as in ex-wife, and the question “why”.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so that you failure is statistically significant.
In statistics, increasing the sample size increases the chances of detecting an effect as statistically significant. The joke reflects the (false) notion that one should at least have a sample size of three to achieve statistical significance.
Dr. Frankenstein registered for the body building competition, but when he got there he realized he had misunderstood the objective.
Ha, ha, ha
The biochemist placed a tooth from the back of the mouth into a liter of a strong acid. After a few days it dissolved forming a molar solution.
In science, a mole is a widely used unit of measure corresponding to a specific number of molecules. A solution comprising a mole of molecules dissolved in a volume of one liter is called a “molar solution”. Here the joke is that a tooth from the back of the mouth is called a molar.
If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate.
In chemistry, those things that don’t go into solution and instead descend (precipitate) to the bottom of a flask are called the precipitate.
Water Molecule: Hey lipid, want to hang out with me?
Lipid: Sorry, but I don’t mix with your kind.
Water Molecule: Hydrophobe!
Like oil and vinegar, fats (lipids) repel water, a phenomenon called hydrophobicity from the Greek hýdrophóbos (fear of water).
I wish I was adenine, because then I could pair up with U.
Adenine is one of the chemical constituents of the molecule that carries the blueprint of life, DNA. When this blueprint gets executed, a molecule called RNA is made using DNA as a template. One of the chemical constituents of RNA is “uridine”, which is symbolized with a “U”. To form RNA, adenine pairs up with uridine, “U”, which is used here as a pun for the word “you”.
A hug without U is toxic.
If you take away the letter “u” from the word “hug”, you are left with “hg”, and Hg is the chemical symbol of mercury, a toxic element.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium. It went OK.
I was going to tell a joke about sodium, but Na.
I heard that oxygen went out with magnesium, and I was like OMg!
He made a weapon using potassium, nickel, and iron: a KNiFe!
Cesium and Iodine love to sit on the sofa together and watch their favorite show: CSI.
You want to hear a joke about nitric oxide? NO!
These are based on the symbols in the periodic table for the elements mentioned above: oxygen (O), potassium (K), sodium (Na), magnesium (Mg), Nickle (Ni), iron, (Fe), cesium (Ce), and iodine (I). CSI is the anagram for the show “Crime Scene Investigation”. The formula of the molecule “nitric oxide” is “NO”.
I told my audience a joke about noble gases, but I got no reaction.
The so-called-noble gases (helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon, and radon) are elements that do not react chemically with other elements.
If a king has a bout of flatulence, does he release a noble gas?
Noble as in nobility, get it?
Yes, I know these jokes are terrible, but all the good ones argon!
The element argon is used as a pun for “are gone”.
These jokes and puns to my knowledge are not copyrighted. If you hold the copyright to any of these jokes or puns, please let me know and I will acknowledge it.
Image by Perlenmuschel from Pixabay is free for commercial use and was modified from the original.
It’s time to lighten up my blog a bit. Every area of human endeavor develops jokes that rely on specialized knowledge, and science is not an exception. So without further ado, I present to you some of my favorite science jokes with the accompanying technical explanation.
The critic said that the problem with Freud is that none of his theories are testicle.
The founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, believed that “slips of the tongue” or “Freudian slips” occurred because the subconscious mind would transfer thoughts to the conscious mind. He thought these slips revealed what was really in the person’s mind when they were talking. In the case above, the intended word was “testable”.
A plant biochemist walks into a gardening store. He asks the clerk, “Do you have that inhibitor of enolpyruvylshikimate-3-phosphate synthase?" The clerk frowns and replies, “Do you mean, roundup?” The biochemist hits his forehead with the open palm of his hand and exclaims, “Yes, sheez, I can never remember that name!”
Enolpyruvylshikimate-3-phosphate synthase is an enzyme necessary for plants to convert sugars to many compounds vital for life. The herbicide roundup (a glyphosate derivative) inhibits the activity of this enzyme, thus killing the plant.
Q: Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A: No, but it makes me salivate.
Ivan Pavlov performed a series of famous experiments where he made dogs associate the presentation of food with the ringing of a bell. The dogs then would salivate in response to the sound of the bell, even if food was not presented. This is known today as classical conditioning.
Q: What are the two things all people enjoy?
A: Serotonin and dopamine
All pleasurable feelings are generated in the brain by systems of neurons that, upon activation, release the neurotransmitters serotonin or dopamine. Therefore, technically speaking, when you enjoy something you are really enjoying the release of these two chemicals which produce and maintain the pleasurable sensation.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have one beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third one says, “I’ll have a fourth of a beer.” The fourth one says, “I’ll have an eighth of a beer.” The bartender interrupts, saying, “You guys should know your limits.” and pours two beers.
The joke is based on an exponential function that has an asymptote that approaches a limit at infinity. After the first mathematician orders one beer, it can be shown that even if millions of mathematicians successively order a volume of beer which is half of that ordered by the previous one, all these volumes added together will approach one whole beer at infinity. Therefore the one beer ordered by the first plus the total volume of beer ordered by the rest for all practical purposes equals two beers.
Werner Heisenberg and Edwin Schrodinger are driving down the highway and they get stopped by a cop. The cop says to Heisenberg, “Do you know how fast you were driving?” Heisenberg replies, “No, but I can tell you where I am.” The cop says, “You were doing 90 miles per hour in a 55 miles per hour zone.” Heisenberg replies, “Oh no, now I’m lost!” Puzzled, the cop tells them to get out of the car and begins searching it. He finds a dead cat in the trunk, and says, “Do you know you have a dead cat here?” Schrodinger answers, “Now I do!”
The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle states that either the speed or the location of a particle can be known, but not both. Schrodinger’s Cat is a famous thought experiment meant to be critical of the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics which states that particles exist not in one state, but in a superposition of possible states until they are observed. Schrodinger’s experiment linked this interpretation to a cat in a box whose life depends on the state of a particle, leading to the inference that, until the box is opened and the cat is observed, the cat is neither dead nor alive, but both. Two additional jokes based on this premise are:
Schrodinger’s Cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
Wanted, dead and alive: Schrodinger's cat.
A chemist walks into a candy store, and says, “Do you have some Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium?” The clerk nods his head and hands him a bar of chocolate.
The chemical symbols in the periodic table for these elements are, Carbon (C) Holmium (Ho) Cobalt (Co) Lanthanum (La) and Tellurium (Te). A related joke based on a similar premise is:
A chemist asks an attractive woman if she is full of beryllium, gold, and titanium because she is be-au-ti-ful!
The chemical symbols are: beryllium (Be), gold (Au), and titanium (Ti).
And one more chemistry joke:
Two atoms are walking down the street, and one says, “Oh dear, I think I’ve lost an electron. The second atom says, “Are you sure?” The first one replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
When an atom loses an electron, it acquires a positive charge.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
A. To get to the same side.
A Möbius strip is a ribbon that only has one side.
The microbiology lab has a sign on the door which reads: “STAPH ONLY”.
Staph, is an abbreviation of Staphylococcus, a genus of bacteria that may cause infections in humans. Here it is used as a pun for “Staff”.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Computers operate using a binary (base 2) language made up of zeros and ones. The number 2 in binary is “10”.
Basic astronomy exam trick question: How many weeks are there in a light year?
Answer: None, a light year is a unit of distance (the distance light travels in a year) not of time.
The math teacher says, “Multiplication and division are two different functions.” A cell sitting in the front of the class raises its pseudopod and says, “Not for me.”
To reproduce, cells multiply, and this involves dividing to form new cells.
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits next to a woman, and says, “Hey, can I buy you a drink?” The woman gives him a dismissive look, and asks, “Who are you?” The mushroom replies, “I’m a fungi.”
Here the plural of fungus, fungi (also the phyletic classification of the Kingdom “Fungi”) is used as a pun for “fun guy”. Mushrooms are fungi.
Note: these are jokes I’ve heard or read “here and there”. I have no idea who the original authors are, or if they are copyrighted. If that is the case, and you don’t want me to feature your joke here or you want me to attribute it, please let me know.
Photographic portrait of Sigmund Freud by Max Halberstadt is in the public domain and was modified from the original.