The statistics are grim. More than 235,000 Americans are dead. We are entering the dark winter of the second pandemic wave. And it seems the best strategy the government has been able to muster is “live with the virus”, which is a de facto herd immunity approach of sorts, but without the discipline and thought that was put into it by the Swedes (although even that didn’t go that well). So in this dire situation what can we do, apart from wearing a mask, social distancing, washing our hands, and avoiding crowded places? There is one more thing we can do which is in fact the one thing we have always done in in the face of tragedy: tell jokes!
Back when the Spanish Flu killed half a million Americans in 1918, people lightened the somber mood enveloping the country by composing poems and coming up with witticisms. One of my favorites is a children’s jump rope rhyme:
I had a little bird,
Its name was Enza.
I opened the window
And in flew Enza!
COVID-19 has been no exception to the unwillingness of the human spirit to suppress a laugh when confronted with misfortune. Today we will go over a few of the jokes spawned by this pandemic dealing with things ranging from quarantine, social distancing, masks, and vaccines to 2020, Zoom, alcohol, and the government’s response to the virus.
After weeks of staying indoors eating and drinking, the COVID-19 curve may be flattening, but the buttons of my shirt have started social distancing from each other!
Person #1: He’s a natural. Staying inside, social distancing, and cleaning himself are practically second nature to him.
Person #2: Whom are you talking about?
Person #1: My cat.
Social distancing guideline in Leon County, Florida: “This is a reminder that during COVID 19, please remember to keep at least 1 large alligator between you and everyone else at all times.”
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that scientists have finally figured out that dogs cannot catch COVID-19, so all dogs previously held in quarantine can be released. The WHO let the dogs out.
During COVID-19, an epidemiologist, an infectious disease expert, and an ICU doctor walk into a bar…just kidding, they know better.
Remember the times when we used to eat the cake after someone had blown on it to snuff the candles?
Reopening feels so good and liberating. No more lockdowns, social distancing, or masks! I went to the bar and ate and drank and sang with my buddies. My only complaint is that they must have changed the food because I couldn’t taste anything.
COVID-19 Scientists: If we provide the American people with the facts, they will all do what is sensible.
Climate Scientists: Ha, Ha, Ha…
Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that it would be considered OK to walk into a bank wearing a mask and ask the teller for money.
One dog to another: Why are they wearing muzzles?
Americans: I have to cover my face. I can’t interact with people, and I am told to stay at home. This is terrible!
Women in Islamic Countries: First time?
Saying that wearing a mask during the pandemic is living in fear is like saying that using oven mittens means you’re afraid of the oven.
Pssst, Hey, the government has placed hidden cameras with facial recognition software everywhere. The only way to prevent them from tracking you is to wear face masks. Pass it on!
Some people fear that the COVID-19 vaccine will have a microchip that will allow the government to track them, and all these people own smart phones.
I have received the Russian coronavirus vaccine, and I have had no problemы. Я think что vaccine подействует на всех, кто ее получит.
Today I attended a Zoom conference wearing my work pajamas.
Due to COVID-19, they had the first remote trial via Zoom. It’s seems that things will be settled out of court.
I told a joke during my Zoom meeting, but people didn’t find it remotely funny.
I thought the year 2020 would fly by, but I didn’t know it would Zoom.
The Government (or Lack Thereof)
The 16 people of the White House Coronavirus Task Force got up on a tightly packed stage and recommended avoiding social gatherings of more than 10 people.
Q: How is COVID-19 like a disaster movie?
A: Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring the scientists.
Person #1: I just received a very detailed, thorough, and thoughtful plan to deal with the virus.
Person#2: Did you get it from the government?
Person #1: No, from the owner of my gym.
Who do you believe? The guy who spent his life studying viruses, or the guy who wonders out loud during a press conference whether the virus inside the body can be treated with bleach or ultraviolet light?
Whenever you think that no one listens to you, and feel irrelevant and useless, just remember that somewhere Dr. Fauci is trying to advise the government about COVID-19.
Quarantine and Working from Home
Q: What type of jokes do people tell during quarantine?
A: Inside jokes!
Thirteen years from now, the babies born during the coronavirus baby boom will be known as the quaranteens.
People who are bored during quarantine have no imagination. For example, I’ve found out that while one bag of rice that I purchased had 10,537 grains, another had 10,339.
This is your pilot speaking. Due to the COVID-19 pandemic I’m working remotely from home today.
Quarantine is getting on my nerves. Today I swear I heard my dog say to me, “See? This is why I chew the furniture”.
Son: Dad, why is my sister named “Paris”?
Father: Because your mom and I conceived her in Paris.
Son: Oh, OK, thanks Dad.
Father: No problem, Quarantine.
I ran out of toilet paper during quarantine, so I started using lettuce leaves. Today was the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I was once told that I would never accomplish anything by lying in bed all day, but look at me now. I’m flattening the curve and saving the world!
My heart goes out to all those husbands that told their wives, “I’ll do it when I have the time”.
Quarantine is getting on my nerves. Today I had to ask my husband to blink a little more quietly.
Now everyone wants to know what introverts do for fun.
If this quarantine goes on too long it will be very hard to go back to a society where we are required to wear pants and bras.
Beer and Spirits
What do you know? I tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out a margarita!
Even people really into booze were astonished to find out their hands were consuming more alcohol than their mouths!
Person #1: I thought you said you were sick, but here you are drinking beer.
Person #2: Well, that’s not what I meant when I said “I have a case of Corona”.
I got small supporting role in a movie they are going to make about COVID-19. I’m going to be a Corona Extra.
Your quarantine alcoholic name is your first name followed by your last name.
Customer: I’ll take a Corona minus the virus, ha, ha, ha.
It’s as if Camus, Kafka, Beckett, Ionesco, Vonnegut, Orwell, and Brecht all got drunk together, wrote a play, and entitled it “2020”.
Optimist: The glass is half full with beer.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty of beer.
2020: That’s pee.
Man, what a year 2020 has been! Just yesterday the Pentagon confirmed that UFOs exist, Elvis was cloned, and the moon landing was faked, and it barely made the news!
13 says, “I’m the worst number!”
666 says, “No, I’m the worst number!”
2020 says, “Bitches, please.”
Image from ph used under a CC0 1.0 Universal (CC0 1.0) Public Domain Dedication license.